Harvesting the Mime Vines
By Andy | December 25, 2007
Today is a great day in the history of the universe! Today, exactly 3042 days ago, at 11:59AM, a song was written that changed how people viewed the world. It was called “Lets All Stare At the Sun!” and was a number one hit worldwide. It was written and performed by James Yeast Extract, a failed glass eye salesman who always wanted to be a rock star. Now, thanks to the success of this song he now can buy all the yams he wants. Since yams are not very nutritious, he no longer has any bones. Tough luck for James.
I floated down the river of golden dreams today. I guess it was kind of odd that it started at the dog park.
Since it’s so damn cold and snowy outside I think we should have ourselves an old fashioned seance. The dead are all around us and I bet they have some interesting stories. Especially that chicken I ate for dinner last night. It said “the square root of -1 equals the number of atoms in your head” which made perfect sense to me so I continued eating it to gain its mathematical powers and cholesterol. It disapproved of this so it made several non-fragile items on my shelves not move at all, which freaked me out. Moral of the story: peanuts are explodey!
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Grated Cheese Flings Bolts At Mummies
By Andy | December 12, 2007
In honor of the last week of the regular season I’ve written a little song.
To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every football under cheeses.
A time to be drafted, a time to gloat.
A time to set rosters, a time to goat.
A time to quack, a time to roast wood.
A time to fling, a time to ride ostriches.
To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every football under bacon.
A time to gain yards, a time to sack.
A time to spam, a time to fart.
A time for sausage, a time for Joey’s ma.
A time for playoffs, I swear I’ll crush you all.
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Can Cottage Cheese Heal Dropsy?
By Andy | December 6, 2007
After hearing about Maltodextrin’s sex-crazed attempts to engage in or goad others into engaging in illegal acts, I was saddened. I was saddened that it has lowered itself to this level. In a tacit concession of defeat, Maltodextrin is now openly calling for the abridgment of various freedoms to accomplish coercively what its quasi-tactless refrains have failed at. The impact of Maltodextrin’s wily monographs is exactly that predicted by the Book of Revelation. Evil will preside over the land. Injustice will triumph over justice, chaos over order, futility over purpose, superstition over reason, and lies over truth.
Only when humanity experiences this Hell on Earth will it fully appreciate that there are some mindless, two-faced wonks who are cold-blooded. There are also some who are ungrateful. Which category does Maltodextrin fall into? If the question overwhelms you, I suggest you check “both”. Still, the issue of what to do about Maltodextrin’s unpleasant policies is far from settled. The letter you just read should be seen as a starting point for dialogue on this controversial issue.
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Dancing Unbecoming A Mole Herding Book
By Andy | November 15, 2007
Right now, all across the country, a million people are running around drinking a lemur flavored beverage. This lemur flavored beverage, distilled from only the finest road asphalt and mosquito wings, is lovingly crafted and skillfully bottled by only the most hideous aliens and mythical beasts. Brett Favre, after discovering this beverage, stated “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” and taped another jeans commercial. My dream is that one day all people will rise above the bear menace far enough to enjoy this beverage without fear of becoming Swiss.
296 yards is a lot of yards. There are 296 houses on 296 yards! That’s a lot of mowing and dog poo in those yards! There’s probably a few swing sets and maybe a bird or 3 somewhere in there too. I wish I could run for 296 yards but that would tire me out. It’d probably also take me All Day too and be a record or something. And that’s all I’m going to say about that until the ostrich tells me to continue.
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Pure Quackery In Every Jam Session
By Andy | November 7, 2007
Today is a great day. Unlike other days, I am writing this note during it! How special is that? Certainly more interesting than those days where you eat chicken or swim in the great lettuce sea for 3.14 hours. Pi is delicious, is it not? But only if you buy it at a garage sale in Truth or Consequences.
My elbows are telling me to construct an armoire out of live emus.
This week in football there is a big game between two big teams with big hype and big egos and big hippos with big hunger and big cars with big tailpipes full of big potatoes and big mice swimming in big oceans running with big rocks following them while big food eats big bites of its big self in a big recursion loop in this big sentence. Brazil!
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Michaelangelo’s ‘Fish In Three Moon Craters’
By Andy | November 1, 2007
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn’t put a note up last week. Suck it. I was busy and stuff. I also had to actually work at work! Quoth the Neo: “Woah.” So tough haggis and all that seagull.
On the other hand, polo shirts are all the rage in modern Germany. They are EVERYWHERE! Jumping off tall buildings, swimming through vats of the wurstbier, raging with the machines, you name it, polo shirts are doing it! I even saw one with Joey’s ma last week! Those crazy things…
I will now express my creativity through visual arts:
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Science!
By Andy | October 18, 2007
Why are pumas? Not the shoes, but the animals. Why? Why should this planet be forced to endure this ongoing threat to our throats and waffle irons? Why must humanity live in fear of these multilegged beasts of science and heavy metal music? I spend a lot of time thinking about it and I believe I have found the answer! The answer is Plinko! Yes, that wonderously awesome Pricing Game spontaneously creates pumas whenever someone does not get the Plinko chip in the $0 slot. Clearly, people need to stop winning money and start swimming the English Channel.
I don’t know about you but I think “Ball-Peen Hammer” is one of the most brutal forms of currency in Greenland.
I ate a Baconator from Wendy’s last night. I was utterly depressed at the lack of flying monkey in that burger. I will have to come up with a burger that contains the meats I prefer, as clearly I cannot count on today’s fast food establishments to cater to my diverse tastes. Where is the brocolli/lingonberry souffle? Where is the limestone shake? Where are my sparrow-oreos? Maybe I will petition the Burger King and see if he can assist with my plight - now where did I put my semi-automatic pogo stick?
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Harrangue The Bird Folk, They Won’t Swim
By Andy | October 11, 2007
Three pieces of cheese appeared in front of me. Probably because I put them there and then closed my eyes, then reopened my eyes. They are yellow, white, and green. I’m not going to eat the green cheese. I think it’s been in the rotary engine too long. Oh well, I’m sure it will fit in one of the arcade machines in the garage.
A voice said to me “stop typing words now and add a picture.”
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No One Can Leave the Floe Owing to Looseness
By Andy | October 3, 2007
Bye week time! I hope you all enjoy your bye weeks! I know I will, I will be spending mine in the glorious splendor of the Galapagos Islands herding penguins into the mouths of smaller penguins. I will then sell the smaller penguins to the circus so that when they regurgitate the larger penguins there will be chaos and much screaming and questioning the laws of physics and jurisprudence! When all is done, there will be none left flailing in Tuscaloosa!
In other news, much yelling and gnashing of teeth was committed in the state of Chicago this week as the Sex Cannon himself, Rex Grossman, is now benched. If any of you were dumb enough to start him I hope you encounter rabbits of unusual shapes as you return to your cabana this evening. Beware, I fear the portents found in the stars as they state snakes might eat these rabbits and become beet farmers. Fahrvergnügen!
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Clone More Sheep, I Need Gyros
By Andy | September 26, 2007
My least-sincere apologies for the tardiness of this LM note. It’s been a rough week, what with switching web hosts, the invasion of the robots who say “boing,” and the championship run of Chocolate Chip Pancakes on a stick. Oh well, I cut through all that like a scissors cuts through sheet metal and partridge hides. I am back and ready to engage in football administration and smack talking and standing on one foot for a very short amount of time.
Orange is a beautiful color. It is like all things coming together to say “OH GOD THE SUN IT BURNS MY EYES AAAAAA.” Magnificence in action.
Talk Like a Pirate Day was this week, and as much fun as that was I believe there should be a Talk Like a Ninja Day as well. In fact, I think today should be Talk Like a Ninja Day. I will start now.
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